Five Bad Fics I'm Totally Not Writing

[cat_77]

I seem to have an obsession with bad fics today. Cracky, purposely poorly written prose that makes you want to spork your eyes. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’s because work really and truly sucks today and I can’t concentrate worth crap. Maybe it’s just because it’s fun. I blame threnodyjones. Don’t ask why, I’m sure I’ll think of a reason eventually.

Anyway…

Five Bad Fics I’m Totally Not Writing [SGA Style]

1- Caldwell & Hermiod’s Cross-Galactic, Cross-Species Love Affair
It’s a tale as old as time: Two people from strikingly different backgrounds forced to work together in close quarters for weeks on end. Eventually, the dam has to break and their true desires are revealed.

2- The Bearing Fruit
A native fruit source is inadvertently exposed to an Ancient device, causing the most peculiar reaction: Everyone is pregnant. Everyone. The more fruit they ingest, the faster the gestation time. Unfortunately, it’s not even that easy. Not when a captured Wraith feeds on a father-to-be and finds out just what it’s like to be a Queen.

3- The Dance of Passion
Ronon has a secret, and it’s not just where he hides his knives.

4- Fast Hands, Faster Lips
Just how did Rodney afford all his degrees when the grants ran out? And why is everyone so interested in discovering firsthand just how well he multitasks?

5- Olive Branch
Sheppard inexplicably shows up on a populated planet weeks after being taken from by the Wraith and presumed dead. His memory of the events are foggy, but things start to become clearer when the Hive Queen returns roughly nine month’s later. Will he learn to love little Olive? Or will her Terrible Twos be too much for him (and the rapidly dwindling number of babysitters)?

Comments

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

Olive hee! I first read it as Olive Garden. I wouldn't mind if you expanded the last idea into a fic.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Okay, now you've got me picturing a bunch of Marines buried in the ground up to their waists, hands bound behind their backs as little Olive looks up to Sheppard and says, "Look daddy, I made a buffet!"

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

I don't think she'd feed on Marines. I think she'd feed on Genii starting with Ladon Radim.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

But what if the Marines were a combination of several who picked on daddy's bestest friend, Dr. McKay, and the ones who freaked out and tried to stun her when she played her favorite make-believe game, "Iratus"?

[threnodyjones.livejournal.com]

OLIVE! *OLIVE*!

*dies*

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

I still haven't found a way to blame you completely, but that doesn't mean I'm not trying. :)

[chattycatsmeow.livejournal.com]

I so want #3 to be that Ronon has a background as a pole dancer in Peg B's version of a Chippendale's club.

#5 - you have GOT to write this one!

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

#3 - I'm torn between that, and the Pegasus version of a cross between Flamenco and Riverdance...

#5 - Can I say how much I love that I tried to squick people out, and y'all are asking for more? You are all sick and wrong and perverse and I am very happy to have you on my f-list. :)

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

I am ... oddly torn between sporking my eyes out and making grabby-hands. :-D

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Hee! I'll take that as a compliment!