Boa vs. Python

[cat_77]

Okay, so through the wonder that is threnodyjones, I got to see Boa vs Python. Why did I do this to myself? I have no idea.

This is less of a review and more of a running commentary. johnnym77? May a suggest a movie for your next Bad Movie Night?

My comments are in plain text, threnodyjones' comments are in bold. This is solely due to the fact I have yet to get colored text coding to work properly in anything other than Rich Text format, and I'm not doing that to myself again.


~~~~~~~~~~

13 minutes in. See camp, plot holes, and a naked chick. This is near painful. Yet to see DH and the bad hair. Can't tell if this is prepping me for Sumuru, or if that will be tame in comparison.


Sadly, I'm fairly sure BvP is better than Sumuru. Not that I have any real evidence yet. Though I think Emmett's hair is better than Season 1 Rodney's...

Wait til you meet agent Sharpe.


My brain. It hurts. The snake just went down on a slut. Why? WHY?

I'm not even going into the whole, "You have a one of a kind prized possession, let's operate and add crap to it and send it off to fight to the death!" "Yeah! Okay! Let's do it!"


*giggles*

Now you know why every story [[snip]] has Emmett ready to castrate Brendan just because he's 'government'.

The slut - the so obviously transgender slut. So. Bad. So bad.

It was obviously written by 14 year old boys.


Why do all their explosives look all bright and pretty and destructive, and yet barely leave any scorch marks?

Why is the naked red head never wearing anything?

Why is a supposedly trained blonde bimbo carrying her bag so it slips and constantly 'fixing' her 'computer' by hitting it? But hey, she's got shiny lip gloss, so she's all set!



> Why do all their explosives look all bright and pretty and destructive, and
> yet barely leave any scorch marks?

Because all the energy expenditure goes into light.

> Why is the naked red head never wearing anything?

... Because she's naked?

> Why is a supposedly trained blonde bimbo carrying her bag so it slips and
> constantly 'fixing' her 'computer' by hitting it? But hey, she's got shiny
> lip gloss, so she's all set!

Listen, do you know how much training it takes to be a trained blonde bimbo?
She didn't have time to learn about computers and things. Give her a break, jeez!

It is very, very shiny, isn't it?


And all the trained hunters being dumber than dirt. But hey, naked red head had to have an appropriately porny gasping for breath death, so it's all good.

Why didn't they grab the other gun, or the equipment? Seriously, had she slung the bag properly, she would't have lost it. Then again, several shots showed the 'computer' wasn't even on, even the few times it was supposedly working.

Um, they had snake sex like ten minutes ago, did she really already lay eggs? And have them fertilized? Considering they broke like Crystal Farms', I'd say no.

Oh good, blonde slut's hair dried perfectly sculpted within seconds but DH's is still stylishly wet.

I think I have to compile these into a review...

At this point, threnodyjones appears to have abandoned me, so you will have to guess her comments. Just assume they will contain snark.

They let him steal a tank! Surrounded by agents? You know what that should teach you? To handcuff people.

Oh good, a fetish scene. Every movie needs one of them.

At least they explained the eggs.

~~~~~


In summation: Stargate was good to DH. Also, he got a blonde! Can he return her?

Comments

[tejas.livejournal.com]

Also, he got a blonde! Can he return her?

But she's so *shiny*! And well-trained!

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

I'll go with the shiny - she was at least as shiny as the fake sweat on the bad guy (why did he rip off his shirt at the end?) - but do I want to know just what she's so 'well-trained' in that requires holding her breath for so long?

[tejas.livejournal.com]

Ah, c'mon, gimme an easy one.

Oh, wait. You did. :-)

[cleothemuse.livejournal.com]

Also, he got a blonde! Can he return her?

Maybe he should try tossing her lip gloss... maybe that's what's causing her brain to malfunction.

Oh, and colors in HTML are pretty easy! Take the area you want in color and put <span style="color: blue">span tags</span> around it. You can find a list of color names here (http://www.w3schools.com/css/css_colornames.asp).

(Actually, the site I just pointed you to is one of the best web references for HTML, and is the site I used to teach myself almost everything I know about web programming.)

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

It's magic lip gloss - it returns after swimming in snake-infested waters - what if it magically comes back?

I tried the color thing back when I did the DVD commentary, and it would not work to save my life. All the other coding did though. It was requesting the hex code only to work, and I could not find my source for that. I'll try it your way and see if that works.

I know the basics for HTML, but that's about it. It's actually rather similar to coding we needed for one of our speech/language programs, which probably helped. :)

[cleothemuse.livejournal.com]

Technically, a span is CSS, but since HTML and CSS are pretty much inseparable, they're sometimes used interchangeably. In any case, the color names link I gave you also gives hex values, should you ever find yourself in need of 'em. Of course, color's not the only thing you can assign with a span...

[threnodyjones.livejournal.com]

At this point, [info]threnodyjones appears to have abandoned me...

Sorry, I'd popped some melatonin and was down for the count. *ahem*

And all the trained hunters being dumber than dirt. But hey, naked red head had to have an appropriately porny gasping for breath death, so it's all good.

*laughs* The father and kid - I wanted to shoot them myself. One of my special 'first-shot-of-the-night-castration-shot' shots. Shotshotshot.


Why didn't they grab the other gun, or the equipment? Seriously, had she slung the bag properly, she would't have lost it. Then again, several shots showed the 'computer' wasn't even on, even the few times it was supposedly working.

Because if she'd slung the bag 'properly' we wouldn't have been able to 'properly' see her perky breasts or shiny lip gloss. And she obviously had a privacy polarizer on her screen - you know, the ones that you can get for your laptops so people on airplanes can't see the porn you're looking at?


Oh good, blonde slut's hair dried perfectly sculpted within seconds but DH's is still stylishly wet.

It was all the sea-salt in her hair. Turned it into shellac. Or something. And DH should always have stylishly wet hair.


They let him steal a tank! Surrounded by agents? You know what that should teach you? To handcuff people.

But he wasn't in the club at that point. The movie has enough plot holes without you helping it.


In summation: Stargate was good to DH.

But do you see what I mean about DH giving it is all, despite being in a classic SciFi Channel movie? I'm kinda said about Sharpe, though. He entertained me.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

The hunters... The only one who wasn't a complete moron from the beginning was the one with the crossbow, and I just about lost it when his pretty sheath of arrows bent in two when it got stuck on the sewer opening.

The computer must have had one of those cool new top of the line privacy shields - you know, the kind that randomly makes everything look like a glowing green square and randomly completely black and plastic.

I looked up the movie on imdb and it turns out the blonde is a former Playmate - color me surprised. Also, the female FBI agent is also the casting director. This is why she lives.

Re: the club - I seriously wanted to see the snake high after eating the girl who popped the pills. That would have been awesome. By then, though, the thing should have been full or had indigestion from all the people it ate.

Yeah, DH actually pretended it was a real movie and acted. Blonde tried to fire enough brain cells to act. Sharpe acted through his ridiculous lines and lack of premise. The rest... should have gone back to the porno they were taken from.

[threnodyjones.livejournal.com]

The FBI lady: *No* for real? LOL! Man, what does that say when the casting director gets cast.

Snakey High: Well, the snake did die pretty quickly afterwards, so maybe he was high?

The Sharpe actor just killed me. He was having so much fun playing Shatner playing FBI. "This is big. Big is good."

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

We just saw the Sharpe actor on an episode of Bones last night (second to last ep of season one). I could not get through his scenes because I kept giggling and chanting "Boa vs. Python!" Sadly, I could not even take his death seriously.

[nialla]

My brain. It hurts. The snake just went down on a slut. Why? WHY?

Oh dear, you saw the unedited version. Sorry. ;)

I keep saying I'm going to parody this one, since I (and the actors) seem to have a thing with snake movies. I even have the transcript of it, but no time to work on it.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

So unedited. So very unedited. Had a feeling for what I was getting into with the slo-mo, thrice dropping of the robe before the gratuitous bathing scene, but really have to admit I was not expecting the car scene. Or the fact I would giggle so much at it.

Please do a Breadbox version of this - it would truly be awesome. The plot holes, the porn, the wet DH vs. the wet bimbo, the CGI snakes... So much fun to be had!

[nialla]

I've got two out of three things I need to write it, DVD and transcript. Now I need time (with a shot of Muse too).

One point I will give the movie is that while Hewlett's character is technically a geeky, he's not overly stereotyped that way. Well, not like most movies of this sort would do.

I find I keep getting stuck on the "wet David Hewlett" part and forget the rest of the movie exists. ;)