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Posting here just to get this out despite knowing pretty much no one still reads anything I put here.
I finished my story. As in my Story. The one that’s been in my head for literally 20 years, but out on hold while I did pesky things like feed my family and work for a living. Roughly 80K words for the first in what is a series in my own head. So many changes made throughout this time, both in my writing style and in issues like internalized misogyny and representation, but one thing remains: I fucking love my characters.
It’s because I love them so much that I’m afraid to go any further with this. Even if I knew how to submit to a publisher, to hear them say they hate it or even just hate one of my faves would kill me a little inside. It’s not perfect, it’s not for everyone, but it’s what I was capable of doing mixed with what I originally wanted.
Then there’s another fear. What if I go through the whole painful process to get it out into the world, and the world hates it? People who have read or heard tidbits about it tend to like it, but what if they are the exception and not the norm? What if it’s mocked or flogged or, as what happened to so many of my stories when I first started writing, what if someone steals large swaths of it and rubs it in my face when their version is successful and I fail?
Yes, these are a lot of what-if’s, but this is how my mind works. Over the past 20 years, I think I’ve grown as a writer, but I’ve also grown as a person with a fuck ton of anxiety. My mind tends to go to every possibility of failure and plan for it, even when I know it’s holding me back. I don’t know how to sell my work, or myself, enough to wave a flag and get people’s attention to give it a shot. I never have and it’s an uncomfortable concept to me. That said, it’s a necessity if I’m even going to try to get this sucker out there and I don’t know if that’s something I can do.
Anyway, I have rambled. Home during a day off with a snowstorm blowing outside and my kid curled up on the couch with all the pets, my mind needed to get at least some of this out. Thank you if you have read any of this at all.
I finished my story. As in my Story. The one that’s been in my head for literally 20 years, but out on hold while I did pesky things like feed my family and work for a living. Roughly 80K words for the first in what is a series in my own head. So many changes made throughout this time, both in my writing style and in issues like internalized misogyny and representation, but one thing remains: I fucking love my characters.
It’s because I love them so much that I’m afraid to go any further with this. Even if I knew how to submit to a publisher, to hear them say they hate it or even just hate one of my faves would kill me a little inside. It’s not perfect, it’s not for everyone, but it’s what I was capable of doing mixed with what I originally wanted.
Then there’s another fear. What if I go through the whole painful process to get it out into the world, and the world hates it? People who have read or heard tidbits about it tend to like it, but what if they are the exception and not the norm? What if it’s mocked or flogged or, as what happened to so many of my stories when I first started writing, what if someone steals large swaths of it and rubs it in my face when their version is successful and I fail?
Yes, these are a lot of what-if’s, but this is how my mind works. Over the past 20 years, I think I’ve grown as a writer, but I’ve also grown as a person with a fuck ton of anxiety. My mind tends to go to every possibility of failure and plan for it, even when I know it’s holding me back. I don’t know how to sell my work, or myself, enough to wave a flag and get people’s attention to give it a shot. I never have and it’s an uncomfortable concept to me. That said, it’s a necessity if I’m even going to try to get this sucker out there and I don’t know if that’s something I can do.
Anyway, I have rambled. Home during a day off with a snowstorm blowing outside and my kid curled up on the couch with all the pets, my mind needed to get at least some of this out. Thank you if you have read any of this at all.
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